Tuesday, July 6, 2010

The New beginning

As I said in yesterday's blog, I headed in a new direction with the opening of my new start. If you want to see what the original opening was. you can read the first two paragraphs that I posted last week. Here goes for the new one.

"The time has come." Ash bolted upright. Her heart pounded like a maddened drummer hammering a staccato rhythm. Her gaze swept the room. Her companions slept. Had someone spoken or had the words been an event in a dream she couldn't remember. When her heart slowed, she cautiously opened her senses to read the winds of the keep. With her affinity for Air she found the only person awake was the doma and the words hadn't been hers.

Fingers of moonlight slid through cracks in the shutters of the windows. She eased her feet into her slippers and crept across the room to peer outside. A gasp sounded when she saw the birds, one white and one dark, circling above the keep. She rubbed her arms to erase the chill of the late winter cold. "Mama. Papa," she whispered. "What does your appearance portent." Since the destruction of the Wesren henge the birds had appeared as an omen or a warning. What was the meaning now?

1 comment:

Terri said...

Better. (I liked Ash getting the 411 from the different kingdoms in the last effort. I just didn't like the way you'd buried it.)

Think about italicizing the first quote.

I think the word is "portend." (Portend is the transitive verb.)

I think you could rearrange some of the sentences a bit. Sometimes they seem lopsided to me.

Also, check your punctuation. You're missing a few question marks, I think.